Sunday, December 24, 2006
Friday, December 08, 2006
Saturday, December 02, 2006
Dick B.
I used to have this friend -- named Dick -- and he had this phobia. It was called Ithyphallophobia; the fear of thinking about, seeing, or having an erect penis.
So big deal, right? Well this is where it gets interesting... He was a queer-talkin', mud-plowing, sexual deviatory, flaming faggot, from heart to soul, from toe to...thigh (he was also a hermaphrodite, which means he had plumbing from both sides).
I tried hard to be a good friend/roomy, though many...many times I considered pushing his sleeping body and his mattress out the window. We spent countless hours together, alone in my apartment, watching underground porn videos of Elton John...David Bowie...Marlon Brando (we even tried Chastity Bono, Cher's daughter -- the gay rights leader. We figured her name might mean help). We went to gay bars and clubs -- I even came up with a sort of mantra for him. I said, "Man, you just gotta forget the near, so you can spear the rear."
To this day I wonder if he was really a compassionate, straight-shooting transexual who just had a rough childhood, wearing horrible names like, 'Latchkey B.,' 'Dickby,' and, 'Medusa Got Horny.' I remember him getting butt-raped after school once... I was there.
You know, you used to not be able to be gay. It was called lynching. If you were left-handed, you were gay, and you were a witch. For that, they cut your balls off and fed them to the geese.
So big deal, right? Well this is where it gets interesting... He was a queer-talkin', mud-plowing, sexual deviatory, flaming faggot, from heart to soul, from toe to...thigh (he was also a hermaphrodite, which means he had plumbing from both sides).
I tried hard to be a good friend/roomy, though many...many times I considered pushing his sleeping body and his mattress out the window. We spent countless hours together, alone in my apartment, watching underground porn videos of Elton John...David Bowie...Marlon Brando (we even tried Chastity Bono, Cher's daughter -- the gay rights leader. We figured her name might mean help). We went to gay bars and clubs -- I even came up with a sort of mantra for him. I said, "Man, you just gotta forget the near, so you can spear the rear."
To this day I wonder if he was really a compassionate, straight-shooting transexual who just had a rough childhood, wearing horrible names like, 'Latchkey B.,' 'Dickby,' and, 'Medusa Got Horny.' I remember him getting butt-raped after school once... I was there.
You know, you used to not be able to be gay. It was called lynching. If you were left-handed, you were gay, and you were a witch. For that, they cut your balls off and fed them to the geese.
Friday, December 01, 2006
Thursday, November 30, 2006
Wives Tales
Scientists have recently disproven two widely held notions.
One: swallowing chewing gum will result in having a blob of rubber in your system for 7 years. This is not true. While 20 drinks will have you throwing up all the next day, your stomach has no problem digesting a piece of pink candy.
Been shelling out too much cash to your chiropractor lately? The second: sitting up straight at a 90ยบ angle like your mother always told you will actually destroy your lower back. It seems old wives' tales are at the heart of every problem in our civilization.
One: swallowing chewing gum will result in having a blob of rubber in your system for 7 years. This is not true. While 20 drinks will have you throwing up all the next day, your stomach has no problem digesting a piece of pink candy.
Been shelling out too much cash to your chiropractor lately? The second: sitting up straight at a 90ยบ angle like your mother always told you will actually destroy your lower back. It seems old wives' tales are at the heart of every problem in our civilization.
Saturday, November 25, 2006
Facts About Sex
Some of these you may know, others you may not...
Sex...is better than school.
Sex...is the only thing worth talking about most of the time.
Sex...is a myth in Samoa.
Sex...is a 13-letter word.
Sex...is God's joke on human beings.
Sex...is like having dinner.
Sex...is better than better-than-sex-cake.
Sex...is not a sin (some of you may recognize this as Christianity's all-justifiable mantra...others of you may use this phrase).
Sex...is the most affordable and high-quality option for marital problems. (Can't stand the sight of your partner's face? Try a paper grocery bag--they're cheap and get the job done)
Sex...is a stab in the dark (for octopuses).
Sex...is what drives the Internet.
Sex...is better than school.
Sex...is the only thing worth talking about most of the time.
Sex...is a myth in Samoa.
Sex...is a 13-letter word.
Sex...is God's joke on human beings.
Sex...is like having dinner.
Sex...is better than better-than-sex-cake.
Sex...is not a sin (some of you may recognize this as Christianity's all-justifiable mantra...others of you may use this phrase).
Sex...is the most affordable and high-quality option for marital problems. (Can't stand the sight of your partner's face? Try a paper grocery bag--they're cheap and get the job done)
Sex...is a stab in the dark (for octopuses).
Sex...is what drives the Internet.